By: Vicki Courtney
1. Dating for Fun
Girls should avoid going out with someone simply for the sake of saying they are going out with someone. Going out (dating) should not be the forum to explore initial feelings of attraction. Often in high school relationships begin based on nothing more than an initial physical attraction. Dating should never be entered into lightly. Build friendships and spend time in group settings where you are free to be yourself and get to know each other over time.
2. Dating by Emotion
Most teen girls enter into dating relationships based on feelings more than facts. They rationalize that if it feels right, it must be right. Proverbs 4:23 provides a word of caution: “Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.” Part of guarding your heart will be learning to trust God more than your emotions. God would not want you to give your heart away prematurely by swapping casual proclamations of “I love you” in a relationship that years later will most likely be nothing more than a faded memory with “ol’ what’s his name.”
Girls who follow their emotions when it comes to dating are more likely to follow their emotions when it comes to sexual temptations. Hormones will often send a message that if it feels right it must be right, and many will give in sexually because they believe it is the next step in the relationship. Additionally, the culture readily preaches feelings as a litmus test for determining readiness to have sex. You may feel ready to have sex, but that doesn’t change the fact that sex outside of marriage is wrong.
3. “Joined-at-the-hip” Dating
Many dating relationships evolve into serious, long-term relationships that, in reality, emulate marriage. Often a couple will give up time previously spent with friends in order to spend more time together. Girls especially are attracted to dating relationships that emulate marriage because of their natural desire for romance and love. This type of “joined-at-the-hip” relationship almost always leads to physical intimacy due to the amount of time spent together. I am amazed at Christian mothers who facilitate this sort of relationship by allowing their daughters to spend too much time alone with their boyfriends. I realize that there are some serious Christian dating relationships among high school students who are mature in the faith that remain innocent and sexually pure, but they are the exception, not the rule, I have openly shared with my two older children my regret of having been involved in a serious “joined-at-the-hip” dating relationship for over two years of my high school years. We spend almost every waking moment together, swapped proclamations of love and eventually gave up our virginity for each other. Even though I was not a Christian, I knew in my heart that sex outside of marriage was wrong. Nevertheless, I justified it because it seemed the next step in a marriage-like relationship. Of course, like so many high school romances, the relationship ended within months of going our separate ways in college.
4. “Mission field” Dating
Woe to the young lady who compromises her Christian faith, much less, the faith of another, to date a young man who is not a Christian! Second Corinthians 6:14 cautions against Christians being yoked together with unbelievers (NIV). While the Scripture warns specifically of unequally yoked relationships in marriage, it should be remembered that most marriages are preceded by a dating relationship. If the principle is followed in dating it could spare you much heartache should the relationship lead to marriage. I am amazed at how many Christian girls (and guys) ignore this verse because it would prohibit them from going out with someone who makes their heart beat faster. Many girls innocently enter into dating relationships with non-Christians because they are unaware of 2 Corinthians 6:14. Decide in advance not to date someone who is not a committed Christian.
Some Christian girls attempt to justify dating non-Christian boys as a way to be a witness and possibly lead them to faith in Jesus Christ. While it is possible for a Christina girl to lead her non-Christian boyfriend to Christ without her Christian standards being compromised in the process, it is rare. I witnessed a youth speaker illustrate this point by asking a student to stand on a chair. The student represented the Christian in the dating relationship. He then asked another student to come and stand on the ground next to the chair and for the two to clasp hands. The student on the ground represented the non-Christian in the dating relationship. The youth speak asked the student on the chair to attempt to pull the other student up onto the chair, while the other student was told to attempt to pull the Christian student down onto the ground. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how this experiment ended. Am I suggesting that it is wrong to have guy friends who are not Christians? No way. Friends are one thing, but boyfriends are quite another. You will be a more effective light for Christ if you are not tangled up in a relationship with someone who does not know Christ.
When it comes to dating, girls should go before God in prayer well in advance of the “going out” stage and ask him for the wisdom needed to come up with a set of standards for dating. If you don’t have a standard, you will most likely embrace the world’s standard when it comes to dating.
B&H Publishing Group grants permission to use this excerpt as originally printed in the book TeenVirtue c.2005
Click here to purchase TeenVirtue
http://broadmanholman.com/productDetail.asp?isbn=0805430563
Comments (21)
This is really helpful, because sometimes I get confused about what is right and wrong in a relationship. I don't usually date so this is really helping me to know what I should expect and what I should allow and not allow.
Posted by Ebony | May 10, 2007 5:16 PM
Thanks! I know Ive had problems in the past with this subject, and have been compromised. And am greatful there is somewhere I can turn for advice!
Posted by Heather | May 30, 2007 5:31 PM
This is very important and it makes the start of a relationship so much easier when you just put everything on the table from the start. When you both know each other's boundaries, then you are able to keep each other accountable and you will be less likely to push each other into those positions. If the guy really cares about you, he will not push those boundaries or try to go over the boundaries.
Posted by Hope | October 28, 2007 9:35 PM
Thanks!!! At my school there are very few christian guys, so sometimes I get discouraged and think about dating a non-christian. This was a good article to keep me in check!
Posted by Jessica | November 10, 2007 5:33 PM
so what is the right type of dating?
im lost.
Posted by Jessica M | February 26, 2008 8:46 PM
I have struggled with this subjet but in another way, girls at my christian school always ask me if me and my guy friends are "going out" we always say we are just friends. also because of this I asked my mother to get an abstanace ring for me, now the guys in my class treat me with more respect because I am all for christs decision and not my own, so thank you so much for this!
Posted by Jade | April 30, 2008 5:31 PM
It's really nice to have this on here. Right now my youth pastor is doing a whole month on sexual purity. But he has to talk to like thirty kids and can't cover everything that each of the individual kids need. So being able to come and read this instead of asking an awkward question is really really nice. THANKS~~Emily
Posted by Emily | May 16, 2008 9:06 PM
Sigh.........now I have no idea what to do. I just found out my bf isn't a christian. He LIED to me! He thinks he is, and he says he worships God, but believes in other gods. That doesn't sound like a christian to me. I've tried helping him, talking to him, praying for him, getting everyone I know to pray for him, but we're getting nowhere. And to make matters worse he's depressed. I was, but now that I've worked on my relationship with God, I feel amazing. I've tried telling him how much relief and comfort comes with becoming a christian, but.........he's just so doubtful. He's thinking of possibly even making his own religion so, as he says "there's no picking favorites". I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.......do you think I have to break up with him? I mean, at first, he seemed pretty interested, but now that he's lost interest, it all seems so hopeless.....
Posted by Erin | July 24, 2008 12:51 PM
This is nice to know because me and a lot of other people date just to tell people that you have a boyfriend and you are not one of those people that have never date anyone and there 30...
Posted by mykaela | October 1, 2008 2:54 PM
Wow. This will really help me know why or why not to date someone. I know not to go just by anyone's rules, but to go by God's. Thanks for showing me that!
~ Laura ~
Posted by Laura | October 17, 2008 2:24 PM
i don't like what this is saying. it is practically saying that no guy is good enough. It comes up with every reason a girl would date a guy and telling them that its wrong. everyone has flaws but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't date them because of it. this just tells me to completely stay away from guys and i don't think that's right. and about the "dating by emotions" emotions are the facts. they are the way to find the right one. why would you be in a relationship when you don't even truly like the guy. true love is when every time you see that special person your heart skips a beat. you feel at home. when he holds you, you feel safe and warm. when he says hi, your speechless. that's true love and last time i checked those were all emotions.
Posted by kobi | February 14, 2009 11:54 PM
This is a very good article. There is one boy I know who I like a lot. He is a really amazing and nice kid. The problem is that I do not know if he is Christian or not. Sometimes he acts like one, and sometimes he seems really shy and intimidated when faith and religion is brought up. Despite the fact that everyone says we would be good together, I will not date him if he is not a Christian. I have to keep being constantly reminded of 2 Corinthians 6:14 so that I don't think of compromising my values.
Posted by Stevie | February 17, 2009 6:59 PM
that is pretty helpful. Now teens will know what kind of dating to avoid
Posted by anonymous | March 12, 2009 6:11 PM
Hey, I just cant get away from my boyfriend. He says he loves me and that i will always be him, he doesnt know that an hour earlier i had said to my friends i want to break up with him. I cant say no to him cause i dont want him to go emo sine he is extremely emotional. ... i just want to say thank you for all these ways of letting me see what sort of relationship i have.
God Bless
Posted by mia | March 24, 2009 10:41 PM
I'm confused. I am in a serious relationship with a Christian boy. He's simply on fire for God, as I am. We have physical boundaries that we talked about in the very beginning of the relationship. We make sure to spend time with friends and family as well as each other. He says he loves me, and that he wants to be with me for a very long time. I feel the same way. I love him very much, and he loves me. We aren't basing our relationship on gut feelings or simple emotions. We understand the great deal of committment and what a big decision it is. And we have both decided that if either of us begin to shut out God for one another, the relationship will end. We do love each other. Just because we are young, does it make it wrong?
Posted by erin | April 11, 2009 3:47 PM
this is the same erin from before. I am happy to say that i broke up with the boy who wasn't a christian. he recently told me that breaking up with him made him think, and he had now been saved. I was in another rlationship that ended badly before meeting a wonderful christian boy who loves me for me rather that sex or money, or anythinng else. We have been dating for some time now and hope to remain together for a long time. Thank you so much for your help and support!!!!
Posted by erin | April 11, 2009 3:53 PM
Hi I have never dated before but this is all great infomation for me to know. Thanks!
Posted by Madeline | July 29, 2009 10:00 AM
Kobi:
Thats not what artical is saying at all. All it is saying is that we shuold all be carefull with the way we go about dating & even thinking about dating. It's not trying to take controll of your dating life, but it was ment to show us the typical ways of dating( dating habbits) God dosen't wuont us to get into.=D He loves us & dosen't us to get hurt.
What i do, this can be advice for anyone who is readig, is that you should look for someone that you can see potintail in. & even then if you "see" it, you should pray & ask God about it.
He loves you & dosen't wount us to get hurt. So if you pray about it God will show you the way He wounts you to date.
_God bless you all
=^.^=
p.s.
I hope that helped.*;D
Posted by Rachel | July 30, 2009 5:25 PM
hay this artical made alot of since to my friends & i. i normally dnt date becuase i'm so busy, i don't hav time. but this is a graet article.
Rachel:
that was a good way of explaining things. & really helped me understand. thanks for that.
Posted by shelly | August 2, 2009 11:45 AM
Thanx! this is so helpful! i think that every girl should read this, so many girls get confused about what relationships are healthy....honestly we just need to wait until we are ready to get married.
Posted by emma | August 21, 2009 7:18 PM
Wow that really opened up my eyes obout relationships i cant bleave it i had a boyfriend 4 the wrong reasons thanks a-bunch
Posted by Ruth | September 21, 2009 8:38 PM