My mom and I fight constantly, and I never feel good enough for her. What can I do?

My mom and I fight constantly, and I never feel good enough for her. What can I do?
Know that you are not alone in this difficult time that you are having with your mom. If you were to take a poll of all teenagers, you would probably find that the majority of them go through tough times with their parents at some point in their teen years. Here are a couple of things that you might try to ease the tension between you and your mom.

  1. Watch your attitude. When you approach your mom with a problem, be careful not to place blame on her. Tell her how you feel instead of how awful her actions were. Instead of saying to her, "You always bring up what I did in the past", try saying to her in a gentle voice, "It really hurts my feelings when you bring up my past mistakes. It makes me feel like you can't trust me."
  2. Avoid. Avoid using words like “never” and “always” when talking about how you feel. This is exaggerating, and it might make you seem less sincere because you are over-inflating your feelings. Also, avoid talking to your mom in the “heat of the moment.” Wait until you are calm and can carry on a mature conversation without raising your voice. This will show maturity and might win respect in the eyes of your mom.
  3. Pray. You may have heard this time and again, but prayer always works. Sometimes we see answers to our prayers right away and sometimes it takes time. One thing is for sure, if prayer does not change your mom's heart, it will definitely change your heart. James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results."
  4. Look at your mom in a different way. This is one thing that I have learned to do with my mom as each year goes by. I have learned that my mom is not perfect and she is never going to be. My mom has a past that affects the way she sees life. My mom has bad days and days when she is grouchy. Chances are if you look closely, you will see that she has difficulties and problems just like you.
  5. You cannot change your mom, but you CAN change the way you approach your mom. Seek the Lord and ask Him to fill you with His wisdom as you strive to make peace with your mom. James 1:5 says, "If you need wisdom-if you want to know what God wants you to do-ask him, and he will gladly tell you."


Comments (35)

Emma:

me and my mom always fight it is because it seems like i am always wroong and she makes me do every thing when i am doing somethig a nd she does not i have to bring her the remote when i am typing this and she is watching t.v. that is what i do not get!!!!!!

jesse:

You need to have a talk with your mom and tell her how you feel. She'll understand and realize what was wrong before.

Alissa:

me & my mom fight all the time! i hate it. i think a lot of it has to do with guys. i'm almost 15 years old and she doesn't like me liking guys. i mean, COME ON!

my mom expects me to be perfect, but i'm not..i just wish she would understand that. i know neither of us are perfect but, she is always blaming everything on me..the fights that my parents have together are all blammed on me. :( its hard. very hard.

anneke:

my mom says things she doesn't mean when she's mad, but they really hurt. She blames me when me and my siblings don't get along. I feel like everything is my fault. sometimes it is my fault because I can't control my temper, but i have a brother and 2 sisters too! it's not just me!

Anonymous:

me and my mom fight a lot.. and most of the time it has to do with school. I knw i am not the most focussed person but my mom is always bragging on about her best friends daughter who also goes to my school. She said " oh danielle duz this danielle duz that" WHY DUZNT SHE JUST DISOWN ME AND ADOPT HER... when i tell her it makes me feel bad, she doesnt care.. she says i am just overreacting and if i cared i would try in school more.. but what our parents dont understand is that when they get angry at us it puts stress on us and makes us not want to do our school work even more... we got into a fight todday,, i am supposed to be doin my homewrk but i am on this cuz i dont rly have anyone to talk to about it other than the ppl on the net! plz help

ingrid:

my mom and i have very differnt thoughts and attitudes so we are always having conflicts .. i have problems with depression and she does not seem to understand that all i need is her by my side. But it seems that its too much to ask for

Alexis:

I don't know how you feel but, I can try to help... try to keep calm when you approach your mom.
Sincerly,
Alexis
P.S.:God will help.

no name:

me and my mom dont agree on alot of things. we get along really really well and have lots of fun together, but she just doesnt get me sometimes. we have different tastes in clothes so she always critisizes my clothing. i dont dress skimpy! she just doesnt like what i wear. she expects me to be valedictorian when i graduate and i already know i cant do that. if i get a b on anything at school, i get in trouble. she expects too much from me. and i cant exceed all her expectations. if i confront her about this, she gets mad. what can i do?!!

hayden:

My mum is a really strict lady. She loves me with a sincere passion which is good and I am so thankful for what she has done for me but she doesn't get thatI am nearly sixteen years old and boys exist in my world. The moment I vaguly mention one she gets really angry and sends me to my room EVEN IF IT IS MY COUSIN. I know she always wants me to be her little daughter and doesnt want me to grow up and that is cool I guess but on the day I got my first period she cried for three days straight and locked herself inside a broom cupbaord. I also have three older sisters. Two of them my mum forced into becomming nuns and the other one rebelled and is now a pole dancer who mum disowned from our family tree. i really don't want to run away from home like my pole dancing sister but I don't see any other option. IT is like my mum doesn't want grandkids. I can't talk to her about this issue either because she always acts as if she is right and my dad doesnt have a thought to think himself and backs mum up 100%. I can't talk to concellors or anything encase they tell her. I need someone's advice who i will nevermeet in person. Please help.

Jayne:

my mom is a really angry person, and i don't know why. I've been praying for her and so has my dad for years, but nothing has changed. it's really hard, feeling like she doesn't really truly love me, but i think that maybe one thing the Lord is trying to teach me through this is that He is enough forever. please pray for my mom-that would mean soo much!

Anonymous:

MY MOM HAS GONE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FROM WHERE TO EXPLAAAAINNNNN

Dawn:

My mom and I usually had a good relationship. We've always fought, but its gotten worse. I'm 17 years old now, and I'm going to be graduating this year, and its obvious she doesnt want me to leave for college. Lately it seems like a lot of times when I talk to her, especially when I'm asking to hang out with friends, she keeps saying that all I want to do is hang out with friends and that I dont care about my school work. I do procrastinate a lot, but I always get my work done. Ive always been a good student. I have a 4.5 GPA and I would never screw up everything Ive worked so hard to accomplish just to hang out with my friends. I never had friends until I got to high school, and now she seems to blame them when I get a little bad grade or something or when I start getting stressed about my workload. She doesnt listen to me when I try to explain how I feel about all the bad things she says about me. She makes it seem like im a bad person and doesnt care about my work and family when thats so not true. It really hurts when I'm trying so hard to do well, but a lot of times when I talk to her, she keeps bringing me down. When I tell her I'm caught up on things, she doesn't believe me. She says she trusts me, but its obvious she doesn't. I'm also the last of 4 children to leave the house and shes a single mom, so im getitng hit the hardest. My 3 other siblings have also left home with either animosity toward her or kind of screwed up their lives. I know she cares about me and doesn't want me to screw up, but I wish she would believe me when I tell her that I'm not going to. I really don't know what to do! I thought that with the empty nest syndrome coming on she would try to keep me home instead of saying things to push me away. Please help me!

Anonymous:

you can tell your mom this and that but when u close the door UR IN UR ROOM and all u hear is silence , that's when u realized once again you messed up by saying what u said or that. then u start seeing their side instead of only seeing ur side. this always happens to me .. it makes me feel like the worst person in the world basically like crap. u just have to keep your head up and try to calm down before you say another wrd or walk away.

Hannah:

I messed up big time, and I said I was sorry about a million times and I have meant it. But now they act like I'm a deliquent and stuff. I'm trying hard to get their trust back, but now they act like I'm not good enough for them. Like I'm their screwed up child.

allie:

my mom gets mad at me everytime i get a B in school and i get grounded. she forces me to be like her and I'm just not anything like her. She gets mad at me over how i look everyday and thinks im just not good enough. she is so proud about my sister and doesn't even care about me. I hide in shadows and she could care less. I'm not happy and she doesn't see this and everytime i try to talk to her i get in more trouble. what do i do?

rachel:

Hi . I am 13 almost 14 , my mom and i fight daily..and it wont stop . I cry so much . Sometimes i really wish i could go somewhere eles , sometimes i think i need somewhere eles to leave..but i dont really have anywhere eles to go . I act like i have a happy life and i put a fake smile on my face..but under that smile is fear and pain..... I dont know what to do anymore . This is really effecting my school work and ect....I'm lost in this world... ): Your not alone..

Peyton:

My mom isn't the same anymore... I have a boy friend. And I feel like we are on the verge of breaking up and I live him to death and she won't stay out of my bussines and I am 16 I have an older brother who is 17 and she respects him more and gives him all the attention and leaves his business Alone I'm tired of competeing for her attention... And I miss the connection I use to have with her now I don't trust her or anything but I did find out she is bi polar and has mood swings. All the time she aggravates me I don't kno what to do anymore:(

Hunny:

Me n my mom r always fighting for any lil thing it might be becuz my room the house is dirty or also because my sister is her favorite daughter and i make my sister clean n she gets mad ughhhh seriously we fight everyday sumetime u say stupitly just wish dum things like feel like not bee part of this world or never had been born uggghh plz guyz sumeone i need help

eryn:

Me and my mom fight a lot..I love her and think she's the best mom ever and I know she loves me too but we fight about everything, even little things that shoudlnt have turned a fight..usually its about school, my attitude, things I do that I probably shouldn't have, etc..but lately I've been feeling like I can never meet her expectations even if I really am trying and she really stresses me out..I don't know what do but its nice knowing I'm not the only one out there with problems like this..

Wyndy:

My mother and I used to be really close but now all we do is fight. I ALWAYS tell her the truth but she constanlty lies to me. We talk alot about ou problems but it's like she blames me for them.. I love her more than anything and I hate when people talk about her but I can't take it anymore.. And the thing is I am suppost to move back in with her in like a month when school gets out, I've lived with my older cousin off and on for the past four years and I want to be back home with my mother but not with our relationship like this. I know I make mistakes and talk badly to her at time I know I need a better attitude but I don't like how she constantly lies.. If she doesn't try then why should I continue ? I am 3 months away from being 17 by the way.. Oh and it is also hard to see us fight all the time seeing that she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.. I really don't know what to do anymore any ideas of how to make this mother daughter relationship work out ?

anonymous:

My mom and I fight every day. I feel like a horrible daughter when we fight. I don't want to hurt her but I have anger issues that have gotten worse because of school stress and lack of sleep. I try to relax but lately we just have so many fights. I don't like being home anymore and sometimes I want to run and hide. I've tried talking to her but it just results at her yelling at me that I'm just spoiled and hurting her.idk what to do anymore I feel depressed a lot lately

Danielle:

My mum & I used to fight EVERYDAY... Since she started working we didn't fight for about 5 months, mostly because I was on holidays without her. However, I fought with my brother a couple of days ago and she got angry at both of us and decided she won't throw us a birthday party (as our birthdays are in the next 3 weeks)she's also took my iPod (which is what she always does when we fight because she knows how much I use and need my iPod).. And now me and my brother are not talking to her and she is in a very angry mood these days. My brother doesn't really care but it effects my study and school work and I don't know what to do about it. Can I please get some help?

anonymous:

, me mand my mum fight almost everyday , it makes both of us really upset and i always cry whenever this happens, and after i always realise that i regre what i did and i was wrong, even though parents can always and most of the time realy annoying andd uuughh all they do is tell you how bad you are, the truth is there only doing it for your good and trust me it took me a long time to understand that. it also makes you realise that its not always them its you aswell and that its apart f life, but you have to somehow control your anger and its not easy, because whenever me and my mum have a fight i always back chat and have something to say. so my mum was really [mad] at me one day and she said shed get me outta te house at 16 ( im 14 btw ) , my dad had a chat with me , cuz if i had one with my mum id like create even more caos, and he really made me realise for the first time ,and im really glad

Anonymous:

-confused-
I have a 3.8 gpa, and salutatorian last year in 8th grade. but i go to a private Christian school that's an hr away. of course because of this i have NO social life with my friends outside of school. i find myself stuck home all day long in my room crying cuz i fight with my mom. Now dont get me wrong one min. we're best friends.. i talk to her about everything.. but all of a sudden she turns so ugly when upset..curses at me sometimes, which she's trying to stop but slips out a lot. and she just puts me down,saying i'm not mature or independent bc i dont do this or that. The more i try it seems like it doesn't matter what i do, she uses the same excuse..i know i'm a good girl and she can trust me but she's way too overprotective. idk what to do after praying so many times. She still tells me go to ..u know where and i have no feelings and i'm selfish. which isn't true bc she doesn't see when i cry. i feel like i'm missing out on my high school years hanging out with friends and being in sports. i'm so sad.

julianna:

so im almost 13 and me and my mom have been fighting about her boyfriends and everthing else since i was 6 or 7 and i hate it she always says that im wrong and sometimes i catch her saying underher breath she hates me.... but i know she doesnt cause we do have good days sometimes and i wish that sometimes was all the time...please help!!

Jummi:

my mom is always shouting at me.. she doesnt like me getting close to anyone..so she tells lies to me abt them that they are trying to spoil my life and my name among relatives and friends.... when i confront she shouts very badly and she then starts crying... I chose my life partner and she is not happy with it.. she is fighting everyday for it and crying.. what can I do... I am angry sometimes and I speak to her.. later I regret and feel sad for her when she cries... she makes me go crazy with her lies and assumptions abt others that everyone except her are trying to spoil my life..

Rachel:

Dear Advice Seekers,

I have been reading a bunch of these comments and almost all of them asked for help and advice. I am going to answer some of them and remember, God is giving me the words to say.

To Anonymous-
Talk to your mom about this. Be calm and remember the 1,2,3,4 from the article. Tell her it makes you feel hurt and sad when she talks about Danielle too much, and that it makes you stressed out in school whenever she does that. Just be calm and don't forget to pray to God.

To No Name-
Approach your Mom when she is in a good mood, be calm and be careful with your tone of voice. Ask her what she sees negatively in your wardrobe and explain what you see positively in it. Maybe you can come to a compromise. Tell her you are trying your hardest in school (and if you truthfully aren't tell her you will try harder, and do!)About the valedictorian, tell her you will do your best to be it, but that if you don't it will be disappointing, but not something to be furious about. Don't forget to pray to God!

To Hayden-
First of all whenever you talk to your mum, don't force upon her that she is wrong. Tell her that when God made people, he made them to grow up. Explain to her (without offending her) how you feel, and that you don't want to do anything against her wishes, but yet you don't want to rebel, but also (tell her what you want to do in life) Don't forget to pray to God!

To Jayne-
Sure I will pray for your Mom! :)
Don't ever stop praying to your Heavenly Daddy!

To Dawn-
Whenever you talk to your Mom about these things, don't tell her the things she says bad about you, and don't tell her you won't screw up. Because everybody sins, and it won't go too well if you start bashing everything she says about you. Be calm (i say that a bunch everybody needs to calm down at somepoint) and say that you work your hardest, but sometimes you get stressed out, and when you get a bad grade you can learn from it to do better! Also mention that you want some time to just hang out with your friends too.
Don't forget to pray!!!

To Anonymous-
About what you said about realizing what you did wrong, instead of just soaking it in, pray and then ask for forgiveness from God (which he will always give) and from your mom. Explain what you did wrong and say sorry!

To Hannah-
You are NOT their screwed up child. You are God's child, and he loves you. Your parents love you too! You should realize that and be happy and joyful that God wanted you and accepted you! Don't forget to pray!

To Allie-
When you approach your mom, don't do it head on aggresively, just ease into it calmly. Tell her that God made you to look the way you do and that nobody should want to be somebody else. Also say that God made you to be your own person, and when you can strive to be like the good qualities in your mom, you also want to strive to find the good qualities God gave you! Tell her you try to do your best in school, and that you can try harder. Don't forget to pray.

To Hunny-
Remember God made you and knew what you'd look like when he created the world. He WANTED you to be born, and so you were! Explain to your mom how you feel about her playing favortites, and tell her you really don't like it when you fight and that you want to have a good mother-daughter relationship. Don't forget to pray!

To Danielle-
Tell your Mom that is was wrong of you to fight with your brother, and ask for forgiveness. Also remember that you don't NEED your iPod and try to see the trial as God sees it when she takes it away. Tell her that you are disappointed that you won't be having a b-day party, but that it won't be the end of the world if you don't get it.
Don't forget to pray!!!

To Julianna-
You are right that your mom does NOT hate you. Tell her that yes sometimes you are wrong, but that you strive to do the right thing. Don't forget to pray to God!!!

I hope this helps, and I wish I could give a long post for everybodies comments. And remember these tips-
-explain your side and ask for hers
-ask for forgiveness, and don't ask her to say sorry to you
-be calm
-PRAY (how many times have i said this?)

And remember everybody, YOUR MOM LOVES YOU!!! (sorry for the incredibly long comment)


Anonymous:

i see my gran as a mum, ive lived with with my gran and papa for nearly 11 years now and i really do like it here. ive just turned 16 and i know this might sound pathetic but im terrified to talk about my feelings incase it will cause another argument between me and my gran and i hate arguing because i feel like i have a really short temper an cant control what im saying to her. some days we get on great at the weekends i dont get to see her much because she is always babysitting my little cousins one is just a baby of 3 years old and a right little terror, my other cousin is a year younger than me and has a really good reputation at school high grades and stuff, she has a really good singing voice aswell, i used to get on well at school untill i reached 3rd year at high school i hate the place its not the people in the school i can cope with that but teachers seem to drag u down if u have misbehaved once im not saying im an angel i have done some messed up things in the past but i would never do any of it again and my gran knows that. i want to be a hairdresser when i leave school and my little cousin wants to be a profecnal singer i feel like everyone seems to incorage her to keep going and stick at it the only people i feel do that for me is my dad and step mum, it might seem like jelousy of my cousins but its not belive me my gran turns nasty when they are around everything seems to be my fault and it getting to the stage i feel no one wants me around anymore.

please get back to me about what to do thank u

Rachel:

Dear Anonymous,

First of all I think its awesome that you want to be a hairdresser! (I've always loved doing hair) but anyway... You should admit that you have a bad temper to your gran and ask for forgiveness on all the times you lost it. Tell her that you don't like fighting (don't just say what i'm telling you, but say what you feel and be kind and calm about it) And they don't not want you around. They're your FAMILY and they love you. Always remember that. And know who else loves you? Your father in heaven. Remember that you are ALWAYS loved and be happy for your cousin. Rejoice when others rejoice. GOD BLESS YOU! :) hope this helped!

Anonymous:

My parents are divorced. I'm the older child in the family. She takes out everything on me where she'll call me wanting to talk or calling me ready to have a screaming match. It's just not fair I feel like she is always on my sisters side. I hate being called names by her. She said she's scared of me which makes me feel worse. She tells me ihave issues and I'm crazy. She always threatens me that I'm gonna have to go live with my dad. She will take away my phone if I try to call my dad because she pays for it. I work make my own money to spend. She calls me spoils even though I buy my own things. I feel like I'm stuck there is way more buttoo muchtooowrite

Anonymous:

My mom is always yelling at me for something, and it makes me feel like crap. I have other family problems too and it doesn't help when she is yelling at me. I have to see a counselor sometimes and she wonders why?! I can never please my mom and i just wish she'd be more welcoming to me and not have an attitude.

Anonymous:

My mom is always expecting me to get straight A's at school, and she complains that I don't spend much of my time doing revisions. I'm 15 and I'm kind of fed up with her because she always asks me to study while I'm enjoying myself. I'm taking a major examination this year and my mom expects me to score a straight A's although my grades were just above average. I just wanted her to be more understanding and stop yelling at me everyday.

Kaylee:

last night my mom called me stupid it really hurt and when i told her she said good. I am now just becoming a teenager i have a difficult time in school and now i have brought my grades up and i do more around the house and she still isnt happy so im going to my grandmas and she acts like its a crime just cuz in leaving the house for one night i cry almost every night because she makes me feel worthless :'(

Jessie:

me and my mom never get along my brother is always better them me i try not to fight but i end up calling her [names] and telling her i hope she dies it is just she stress me out to the point i dont want to be around her and everytime i ask her to help me with homework she says she has her own homework to do it is like she does not care about me

Anonymous:

my mom takes her anger out on me, she compares me to my older brother... it makes me feel like im not good enough until i am as good as him!!! which is impossible

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