This may sound “old-fashioned”, but dating should not be something that consumes your focus…ever. I would suggest also that you not consider it a practical option until you are at least approaching your college years. A common mistake that is made in dating is to confuse the difference between “butterflies in my stomach” and “falling in love”. Love is not something you will ever fall into; it is an active choice. There is a certain maturity level required for a dating relationship, and if dating begins too soon, one of the following things could occur:
You will spend less of your time with same-sex friends.
Same-sex friendships help you to develop skills that assist you in learning how to get along with others both now and later on as an adult. When dating, you’re more likely to fall into an artificial role–and you can end up losing much of your emotional and spiritual identity that you should be developing now while you are young.
Your relationship skills may remain superficial. |
Dating too early may cause you to have trouble developing healthy relationships later on. Unfortunately, Hollywood has programmed us to believe that everything we need to know about quality relationship skills can be learned from movies and television. In reality, if you follow the advice given to you from these sources, you will end up acting the way Hollywood thinks you should on a date instead of in a way that is pleasing to the Lord.
Premature physical involvement.
God created physical intimacy for the marriage relationship only, and this design is to protect His children’s emotional wellness, spiritual stability, and physical purity. Even though you may not understand why right now, it is important to note that if you explore a physical relationship outside of the will of God, there will be consequences for your disobedience to His Word.
The above points should establish some good pre-dating cautions that I urge you to take to heart. The most important thing for you to be doing is to strive to be pure and holy before the Lord. A Scripture passage that encourages living a Godly-focused life can be found in 1 Peter 1:13-16, “Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."
I’m anxious to begin dating. When is it ok to start?
Comments (22)
"Be holy because I am Holy."
Wow, what a commandment, a rare one nowadays. Purity, and living holy under God is replaced with the worldly ideas of growing up fast, covering up with make up, and trying to date too early.
I have been struggling with my self image and I realize how important it is to remain holy, and to be pure, it is okay to be different, but be different in a sense of Godliness. God is the one that makes you want to be different. Follow Him only, not the world.
Posted by elle | May 28, 2007 11:33 AM
Right on!!I think that us girls should not be so focused on dating at such early ages. Because I think in realty it will only cause us pain and heartache in the end.I think what we should be focusing on is Jesus who is the one man who we should be totally in luv with. He is the one who should give us butterflies in the stomach. not some guy who we'll forget about ten or twenty years down the road. Because in the end only that one Man is going to matter and his name........
Is JESUS!
Posted by Sriana | June 12, 2007 5:46 PM
While I realize how important it is to keep our focus on God, there are some good guys out there! Some of them are seeking a relationship with God like we are. I think that's a good thing because we can talk to them about God and what's going on in our relationship with him. I truly don't think dating is wrong if it is along these lines and within these boundaries! Besides if we have a Christian boyfriend...He won't want to pull our focus away from God. He will know how important our relationship with Christ is! That's more than what we can say for some of our same sex friends!
Posted by Rachel | June 22, 2007 4:00 PM
i totally agree w/ this...i went into the dating thing...i think too soon...all it did was cause heartache...pain...and hurting...it wasnt good..and i didnt like it at all...and i also think it is totally awesome if u can find a guy who will challenge u w/ ur relationship w/ Christ...and a guy who will want u to spend more time w/ same sex friends and w/ God...although i dont regret the rlsp i had w/ that guy...i mean God taught me a lot thru it...i couldve lived without the pain i went thru...also dont go for the missionary dating thing...it doesnt work...i tried...i mean i liked the guy a lot...and i thought he would change for me...but i was WRONG...make sure u stay w/ a commited Christian guy...and u'll still have problems...but God is always gonna be there in your relationship!...welp that all i have for now=)
Posted by Kirstie | July 2, 2007 1:22 PM
I agree w/ this article so much! i thk that it is important to work on your relationshp w/ God first and establish your identity and joy in Him. so that You wont be looking to a guy for your total happiness...but let your joy be complete in God at all times. Right now i'm praying for God to one day send me that special guy and believe that He is also working in that guy's life too...until then i'm determined/am to be content in God and allow Him to mold me into the young woman He desires of me...God bless u all!
Posted by Jess D | July 2, 2007 4:17 PM
I am so with you Kirstie...I dated this older guy all too soon and lets just say that I almost experienced some things too soon...Now I still have my purity and am very proud of it. I wear a purity ring to remind myself and others of it. But I learned a lot of lessons from that relationship and even though it wasn't very healthy I think it was a good thing I learned those lessons then instead of having to learn them when I was older and it might have been harder to say no. I was lucky and got out of the relationship before anything happened but it taught me not to let any guy walk over me or control me. It also taught me to be careful about the people I choose to be around or date. Dating is a very good thing if you do it correctly and date a Christian guy!
Posted by Rachel | July 4, 2007 1:19 AM
This is very true! I thought that I was ready to date and to have my first love. But then God helped me realize that I am not ready at all! He kept telling me to trust in him and he would bring me the right guy when I was ready. But I wouldn't listen to him. By not listening to him I got a lot of heartache and I caused heartaches also. Now I realize that God has someone planned for me and I just need to sit back and let him take control of my life. Now I pray each night that he will take my life and do whatever he wants with it...which is working out very well!!! Wait to date :)
Posted by Bailey | July 4, 2007 1:31 PM
I think you should use your "middle school" years to get to know certain guys you have an eye for and then when you're in high school, you can see if you still like them. I always used to think I liked this guy and just "knew" he would be my BF, but less than a month later, that relationship was over and when my mom asked me about so-and-so, I said, "Who?" If you're really serious about a guy for a while and that feeling for him continues in high school, you should date. But only if he feels the same way. So get to know you're special "guy" and wait. It'll all pay off.
Posted by Alexa | July 5, 2007 6:43 PM
This is spot on. I have yet to date and i'm entering my 10th grade yeaar. Most of my friends who have dated up till now end up having horrible relationships and usually end up hating the person after the break up! it just destroys everything!
on the other hand, dating can be a good thing, but only if you don't go looking for it and you let it come to you. if you find the right person that compliments you (meaning you work well together) and also helps you in your godly relationship as well as social relationships, then snag the opportunity! but wait for the right guy. don't just date anyone that asks you out. that has bad relationship written all over it. and though you may end up you senior year and have dated anyone yet, don't worry. when you do finally date someone it'll be SO worth it. kinda like sex, it's worth waiting for the right person and the right time (in marriage).
Posted by Alissa | July 22, 2007 4:44 PM
yeah i totally agree with this! See I made a promise to God to stay pure for him and not date. i admit its hard but its so much easier because you get to create friendships with guys and without having your heart all caught up. But i do believe that God has chosen a specific person for every one and just by dating and all this now, you'll mess up that relationship in the furure. Or you'll totally miss it. so totally right on.
Posted by tarela | August 1, 2007 3:08 PM
RIGHT ON!its very important to always put God first in everything we do. Even dating.
Posted by Ciera | September 28, 2007 7:13 PM
I TOTALLY agree with this!!! Ya see, I'm 14...I'll be 15 in less than two months, and I've never had a boyfriend. I'm proud of it too!! I know girls who are 12-13 already making out with their bfs...some even going further than that, and it's so sad because if they're already doing that now, what about when they're older? Whats gunna happen to them then? I've watched my friends get hurt from a relationship, so I know without experience what happens. I made a commitment NOT to date till I'm at least a junior in high school...and it's gonna be real hard cause there are a couple guys I like...anyway! In my opinion, you shouldn't date till you're mature enough to handle situations. and if you do date, NEVER date a guy more than 3-4 years older than you!! That's just asking 4 trouble! Well I love y'all and I'll be praying for ya!! Luvs From Poplarville Mississippi!!
Posted by Katie | December 6, 2007 2:14 PM
i struggled with this, too. just know that even though you think your parents dont know anything they really do. i was just like that, and i wouldnt listen to anyone, but i made a mistake and dated a guy older than me when i wasnt aloud to, and my parents didnt approve of him. i made a huge mistake with him, and regret it so much now, and i pray that all of you will realize that your parents know more, and if they say you arent ready to date, or dont date that guy that you will listen. a lot of guys dont respect girls these days, and when you arent ready to date you dont realize that they dont, and become very niave to things. if you have had problems with guys, and things have happened to you that has to me, that causes you the greatest pain in your heart, and you think you will never get over it, i advise you to read the book, "every young women's battle". have your parents look at it first to make sure you are ready to read it, but it will help you with most any problem you are having. trust me i have been there. God has helped me so much through this book. another one is for young women only, it helps you realize how guys think, and help you help guys overcome some temptations that we put out to them
Kelsey
Posted by Kelsey | December 19, 2007 11:47 PM
i agree with kelsey.
older guys and strict parents dont mix.it causes too many problems.
i recently went through a hard time with a boy but today at church our pastor preaced a lesson on why jesus came to earth and one of the reasons was that he came to heal our hurts.he can heal our hurts if we let him.
Posted by layna | December 23, 2007 3:43 PM
I agree with this article, but then I don't. I do think it's smarter to wait to date until your ready for marriage, and mature. But what if you have a boyfriend who is also a Christian? I have a Christian boyfriend and we've been going out for almost 6 months, and we haven't kissed yet! And I'm actually proud about that. Most of the girls my age have made out with their boyfriends, or gone farther. I just don't want to do that. I think dating is ok if the boy is nice, and a Christian.
Posted by Anonymous | December 30, 2007 10:19 PM
totally true!! i luv how we can all get help and ask these types of questions here! but....i completely get the pressures....almost all the girls i know either have boyfriends or have guys that are RIGHT about to ask them out....and then i get kinda jealous and lonely....and i wonder if other people struggle with the whole dating issue too...im SOO glad other ppl besides me feel like this and we can all help each other out...even if we don't know each other....and ya know..sometimes im actually PROUD i don't have a boyfriend....i get to spend lots of fun time with my girl (and guy) friends!!
Posted by Sandi | January 23, 2008 6:08 PM
To Anynomous:
It isn't "how close can you get to the line?" It's "how far away can you get from the line?"
You said you've been dating him for six months and you haven't kissed yet. SO WHAT?!! If your future husband could see you now, how would he feel about this relationship? If your future husband had this kind of relationship with a girl, and he wrote "I have this great Christian girlfriend, and we haven't even kissed yet!!!" How does that make you feel?
Besides, you know you'll probably end up kissing or more anyway.
I definitely recomend the book "Before You Meet Prince Charming" by Sarah Mally.
Posted by A. | February 13, 2008 10:15 PM
I highly recommend that you all read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It's an awesome book! All my life, I've been taught to wait until I am ready for marriage to begin 'dating'. And even then to be very careful in your decisions. Waiting until you are ready for a commitment is such a blessing. You are waiting for the one wonderful guy that God has planned for you. Just waiting will make all more worthwhile when you actually meet him. Just keep in mind that the relationship that we have with that guy has to be one that glorifies the Lord.
Posted by Rachel | April 14, 2008 7:08 PM
Wow I totally agree with this. My family and I recently sat down and made a rule book for dating and one of the rules is that when we reach that level of maturity then we will be allowed to date. I think it is so important that we keep our purity and save it for someone who we may spend the rest of our lives with. My dad said something yesterday that I will never forget and it was, " When we say or do something so often that is supposed to be meaningful it cheapens its rich values". So now every time I hear my friends say I love you or do something with their bfs I think about how special it will be to meet the guy I will marry and be able to say I love you without a doubt that its true.
Posted by Evan | May 12, 2008 4:24 PM
Haha what's the use of dating unless you're planning to get married? :D
I believe friendships with the opposite sex are great! I mean, you get to see things from their point of view and all...hang out with them at your youth group after service.
Posted by Naomi | July 20, 2008 8:53 PM
Wow, I just found this page and I am so proud of you all for making the decision to wait to date. My daughter is 12 and attends a public school so she is faced with many pressures. I will refer this page to her when I see that she could use some support, other than mom giving all the advice. God Bless you all- you are our future and it sure is a lot brighter than I thought.
Posted by Sharon | July 28, 2008 10:30 PM
I completely agree.
I made the decision to save dating until I was actually ready to get married, and I haven't regretted it. I'm 24 now, and I only recently decided to consider the IDEA of dating, let alone actually go on a date.
Posted by Martha | August 5, 2008 9:46 PM