D2 from Kate

Dear Diary,

In a few months I will graduate from college and I will be out on my own. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having my very own apartment with a built in window seat where I could sit and journal on sunny days and watch the drops hit the window on rainy days. And in my dream, there was always a little cat curled up at my feet. However, I don’t like cats. I’ve never met a cat that I actually liked…ever. But I want one anyways. Recently, I’ve discovered another dream. I want to be a surfer. Running along the beach, sun kissed skin and natural blonde highlights, in pink board shorts and a matching surfboard- it just seems like the coolest thing ever. Oh wait...there's a problem. I really don’t like the ocean so much- sand in your suit and salt water in your eyes? How is that even a little bit fun?

It seems like more often than not my dreams and reality tend to contradict each other. Then I find myself caught at the point where my dream meets reality and I don’t know where to go. I feel like a walking contradiction: my dreams don’t fit with reality but my dreams are me. But then, who am I, and how do I live in this world and still be true to myself?

So I went out to find myself. I asked others, “Who am I?” My nana said that I was her ‘sweet angel baby girl’ and I thought, “Clearly she doesn’t know me anymore. I think my wings got lost a long time ago, and I seem to always have grass stains on my jeans.” My church family said that I was ‘the pastor’s oldest girl: loud and energetic’. While my father is my hero, I need my own identity- I can’t be a ‘p.k.’ my whole life. A mean girl said I could never be a surfer or even beautiful, because I wasn’t thin enough. My friends said that I always make them laugh. If I ever wanted to be a clown, I’m sure that would come in handy, but is that really all that I am meant for….entertainment? My service group told me that I am a great leader. That’s a great characteristic, but if a ‘leader’ is who I am, what do I do when a situation comes up that is too big for me to handle? I’m the leader; I have to fix it- but what if it I can’t? Then I’m just a failure.

Clearly, asking other people to give me an identity just wasn’t working. So I asked myself, “Who am I?” I am a sinner. I am human. I am nothing important. Finally, in complete frustration, I opened my Bible and vowed that I would not close it until I knew who I was. And through my stormy thoughts and pained heart, I heard, so quietly, “Why didn’t you ask Me first? I want to tell you who you are! And I’m the only One who can.”

This is what I heard: You are a work of art. I knew your personality before you were even a thought in your parents’ minds. You are the apple of my eye and I take great delight in you. I am enthralled by your beauty. You grow more beautiful every day, because every day you grow in my grace and truth. I look at you and I see glimpses of myself- you are holy. Not only are you my child, you are also my very best friend. Everything I own, I have given to you and one day I will also give you a crown of righteousness. You don’t need to find yourself, I have already found you. I made you and then I bought you with the highest price- the blood of my son Jesus Christ. I sought after you for years and years and when you finally came to know me and love me, I redeemed you. You don’t ever need to be afraid because I have set you free from fear and death. You have my complete protection. All you ever need to be is you, because you are mine.

So maybe I won’t be a surfer, but I will be a light for my Father. I’m learning to like cats, because I really do want one even though I’ll never be a ‘cat person’. But never again will I go out to ‘find myself.’ Because it doesn’t really matter so much who I am as WHOSE I am. I am loved by the eternal King of creation- and you can’t beat that on the coolness scale!

Forever His,
Kate

Written by: Kathryn Edwards; copyright virtuousreality.com