What Guys REALLY Think of Pushy Girls

I collect vintage magazines such as Ladies Home Journal and Seventeen. While recently thumbing through an edition of the Journal from 1950, I stumbled upon an advice column for high school girls. One submission made me laugh out loud, but amazingly, the advice given was timely for today. This is what it said: “Some days the boy I like is extra sweet to me and the next day he just flips me a casual ‘hello’ that he would flip to any girl. I had a wienie roast the other night and I invited him. (I kid you not—it says that!) He sort of played up to me all night. I have tried to make him jealous, but he says he doesn’t care if I go with other boys. I often go to the drugstore where he works to see him, but he never calls me for a date.”

Here is the advice given: “And just when would the boy have time to call you when you are chasing him all the time? Too much attention, too many invitations, and the unhappy habit of hanging around the place a boy works are the fastest ways to convince him that he sees enough of you without having you around as a date-mate too. Give him a chance to miss you once in a while!” Times have certainly changed. No more waiting by the phone for that special boy to call. Nowadays, if a girl wants to talk to a boy, she sends him a quick IM or text message and waits for his response. A guy hardly thinks twice if a girl contacts him first. Just recently, my seventeen-year-old son was IMing back and forth with a girl he knows; and before they ended their conversation, she informed him that she doesn’t normally IM a guy first. It was her way of letting him know that if he was interested in talking to her, he better initiate the conversation. My son was blown away by this as he was accustomed to most girls IMing, texting, and calling him first. After he finished his conversation with her, he IMed his sister (who was on the upstairs computer) to tell her about it. He has given me permission to share the actual IM conversation he had with his sister:

ryan: so she ims me and we talk for a while

ryan: and then at end she said she was goin and wanted me to knwo she doesnt ususally im guys first

paige: so?

ryan: and i thought that was pretty cool

paige: ohhh

paige: so do you like her or what are you trying to tell me out of this?

ryan: naw im just sayin thats weird

ryan: and different

ryan: but kinda cool


Times have certainly changed. Fifty plus years later, the same fashion magazines, that were once doling out advice on how girls should avoid being overly aggressive and pushy with guys, are now advising girls to take charge and make the first move. I am certainly not saying that we need to retreat to past days where girls didn’t speak unless spoken to, but it would be nice to find a balance. I have encouraged my own fifteen-year-old daughter to impose a similar standard and not make a habit of always initiating conversations with guys she may be interested in. There is no harm in asking a guy about a homework assignment or initiating conversations with her “guy friends,” but when it comes to the guys who make her heart beat faster, let them do the pursuing. Trust me, if they are interested, they will do it.


The irony is that deep down inside, most girls want to be chased and pursued. They don’t realize that by initiating conversations by IM, texting, or calling, they let the guys off the hook when it comes to the pursuit. As a mother of a teenage boy, I have witnessed this phenomenon up close. My seventeen-year-old son has never really had to “pursue” a girl because he is accustomed to them pursuing him first. No wonder he was so taken aback, as was evident in the IM to his sister, by a girl who refuses to IM, text, or call him first. I’m sure it must be difficult when this young lady logs onto Instant Messenger and sees a sea of guys online that she would love to talk to and get to know. I’m sure she knows that these guys have plenty of girls who IM them the minute they get online. And I’m sure it must be tempting at times to relax her standard and just join the crowd. How does she stand a chance unless she makes the first move? What is her reward in waiting? How about this for a reward: Guys who are interested in getting to know her, pursue her. She is one of few girls my son has gone to the trouble to initiate conversation with and, get this, ask out on an official date. The girls who contact him first with invitations to do this and that don’t require pursuit. And they don’t require him to ask them out, pick them up, and pay their way.


It certainly makes you wonder if the advice given to the high school girl who wrote in to the 1950 Ladies Home Journal isn’t still relevant for today. It bears repeating: “Too much attention, too many invitations and the unhappy habit of hanging around the place a boy works are the fastest ways to convince him that he sees enough of you without having you around as a date-mate too. Give him a chance to miss you once in a while!” You are worth being pursued. You are worth being chased. You are worth being asked out on a real, live date. You are worth being treated like a lady. But first, you must act like a lady. If you set your standards high, you may not log as many IM, text, or phone conversations with guys as some of the other girls do, but you will narrow it down to the ones who think you’re worth pursuing. I realize that waiting for the guy you like to initiate conversation is a radical concept in a culture that tells girls to make the first move. Why follow the crowd when you can be “weird, and different, but kinda cool”?

Article taken from TeenVirtue 2: A Girls Guide to Relationships. Posted with permission from Broadman and Holman Publishing.

Written by: Vicki Courtney; copyright virtuousreality.com
Founder of Virtuous Reality Ministries and best-selling author of "Your Girl," "Your Boy," and the entire "TeenVirtue" and "Between" series.


Comments (16)

Karsyn:

I guess I am like that girl. i dont't usually IM, text, or call guys first. I do like them to "chase" after me. it makes it sweeter. and it helps you know that they are the one who wants to talk to you. a lot of my friends just call em up and talk but I dont because I want to leave that job to the guys. It is VERY hard though when your "crush" or other boys are right at the tips of your fingers sometimes it is hard and I do give in. But i still realize that thats not who i want to be so i just stop. It also makes it obvious to the boy that you respect yourself. and do not want to give yourself away.

Kristen:

thanks for the advice!

i do wish more guys would step up to the plate instead of us having to call them!

i would rather not have to do this, its annoying cause it seems like if you dont call, txt, or IM them they wont even have anything to do with you. i have a problem talking to guys to much! i feel like i'm always speaking first! most of the time i dont like them or anything but its kind of annoying how i have to do all the work to keep the friendship going! but yeah its hard not to do some of these things especially with the guy you like. it bothers me how they expect you to make the first move.

Jenna:

I have a boyfriend, and most of the time I wait for him to call me and IM me first. I think I like it that way becuase then I know he's thinking of me, and wants to talk to me. Sure, sometimes I call, or I IM first, but most of the time its him. But for awhile, I had to be the one to start conversations. When we're together though, I tend to be the one that talks more..I can't help it, I just love to talk! lol

kristina:

i really like this article! there is this guy that i like at my school and i know that he likes me too. we are emailing all the time---so much that i am talking to him instead of doing my homework when i am on the computer! it got so bad that i told him that i cant email any more and that if he wants to talk to me, he has to call me on my HOME phone! he dosent feel confortable calling home phones, but for me, he does it all the time!!!! its really cool, bcs we talk so much on the phone! i feel like we have gotten to know each other better than we did before not talking on the phone. i love being able to hear his voice and understanding the things that he wants to be funny and the other stuff that is serious. it really does make you feel great when you know that the guy is chasing YOU and wants to get to know YOU better!

Tiffany:

I really like this article, I recently gave this totally cute guy my number and I really thought he liked me too, but he never called me. It has been a week and a day, Next time I'll just wait for the guy to pursue me. .So Thank you, I am taking your advice.(:

Sheena:

I like this article. I really like this guy at my church. I gave him my number back in october and he text me alot and called me. Well as the months went by he started getting really close to me he gave me hugs and got jealous over this guy that asked me out and he even tried to kiss me but i wouldnt let it. Well in April he told me that i was frustrating him and i was boxing him in. Then he turned me in at his work place because i was getting stuff. Then his boss told me it was between me and him. Then to months later he came back to work and gave me a hug and held me tight. After he done that i didnt know what to do. He followed me to a movie place and kept yelling out loud to this lady and staired at me while he was talking. I dont know if he likes me or not. How can you tell by the way he is acting?

Hannah:

I have decided that I'm not going to date until God shows me that the guy might be my future husband. And even then, I'm not going to call him, he has to persue me first.
We women are the beauty's that are made to be persued by the prince. Don't lower your standards!
I don't know about any one else, but I want to enter my marriage complety pure, and with out a broken heart because I gave it away to the wrong guy!

And girls, pray for your future husband!
You have no idea what your prayers will do for him!

BallerinaGirl:

This is so soo sooooo so awesome!! You finally put into words what I have been trying to do!! :)

There is this guy I really like at my church. And I've always liked him from a distance. He came up to me one day and started talking to me. He's always being chased by girls, and he seems to back away from them. Guys really do like to chase girls instead of being chased. God designed men to be the initiators. :)

I'm going to start praying for my future husband and I sure hope he is praying for me too....I could use the prayers. :)

Felicia:

wnat more to read on this page

Felicia:

When he stop calling what should I do because I have been calling before and later stop whihc also made him to stop please advice me on what to do

livia:

Ha.. I kind of have the mind set if you are interesteed and want to talk to me, you can excercise your fingers by IMing or texting me.. I never want to be one of those girls that chases after guys attention. it makes it more special I guess you could say. :)

Rachel:

Hey! I love this article - it has encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing. There's this guy that I had liked from a distance since last year at church . I never chased him but I just tried to get to know him better as a person and just be his friend (b/c I think I'm too young to date - 16). He has confided to me that a lot of girls chase him (which I had noticed with a pang of jealousy but a silent mouth)but he gets annoyed by it and wishes girls didn't do that to him - he's flattered but flustered. I found out that he liked me a few weeks ago and since then we have talked and we don't want to date or get into a serious relationship, til we're a little older. But what I'm saying what encouraged me is that a couple weeks ago this girl that has been chasing him asked him to her prom and he declined - for me(and he told me about it later) and I was so happy that I hadn't chased him or fought over him with this girl and had let her do what she wanted to do when she was all over him because he didn't like that and know we're really close friends and I definitely see a future with this godly Christian guy (And he even told me that he definitely sees a relationship with me in the future)! :)I don't know why God has blessed me this much after all that I have done. His Love and Grace is amazing! :) But I do plan on staying pure and not dating/courting til later on and enjoying my teen years with my friends, including him, and even if he doesn't end up being my future husband he's still an amazing friend. :)

Sara :

this is so what i try to do. what will a guy like in a girl if he's trying to avoid her all the time? it's seems so hard sometimes to just step back and let the guy you like have a chance to like you but that's the best why i think. this so helps. to know that i am not the only girl playing hard to get. :)

Kim:

This helps me realize that i need to stop being a pushy girl that I am. im always texting the guys i like. they never text me first. I guess its a sign that im not meant to be with them. Im gonna just live my life the way i wanna live it and stop worrying about boys all the time. God knows who I'll be ending up with, and i don't need to be rushing into relationships at my age. I mean im only twelve! I have planty of years ahead of me for dating!

Carmen:

Ive known this guy 4 lik 3 weeks now and he has only txt me 1! i sooooo no now that i should bac off ive txt 3 times in 1 day b4!!! but now i no that i should bac off! thax

Anonymous:

I dig the advice... but I just want to add that by waiting for the guys to initiate... you're also limiting yourself. You're letting THEM choose whether they want you or not. You definitely have to show your interest in some way... then maintain a sort of exchange, rather than a one-sided effort on either side.

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